Sunday, 6 November 2011

Back in Business

Soooo I decided to put up a new blog. I’m not going to come right out and announce that I’m “back in a blog phase” because once again it might not stick. I think I came on too strong last time. Trying to put out, like, 1 a day?! Who was I kidding; that kind of blog stamina shall be left to the porn stars of the blog world.

When I decided to start writing again the first thing I thought was, “wow I’m lonely.” This isn’t to say that people who blog are lonely; I was simply noting the coincidence that I am now living alone and also had an urge to start writing again. So it’s either the crippling loneliness, or my new found appreciation for peyote – I’ll let you guys decide.

I would like to first point out a few highlights to living alone
-          I can poop with the door open (not saying I do, just saying I could)
-          I perform most tasks sans pants
-          No one steals my food
-          The length of my shower is limited only by the hot water left in my building

The complaint I have about my apartment is less about living alone and more about the loud smashing noise that happens 2-3 times a day above my head. Each time it’s just a single horrible bang that sounds like a vat of homemade meth exploding.   I do happen to know that there is an exceptionally large Japanese woman (the rarest of the birds) who lives in unit 3 above me. My best guess is that the bang is the sound of her falling to her knees for meal times.

 Ugh... I wasn’t planning on ending my blog with chubby racism. Sometimes these things just happen.  Till next time.

Friday, 6 May 2011

Twitter Overload

Ok so I'm not like crazZzZy about Twitter... but I do enjoy passing some time on it, now and then. So when I went to log on yesterday and ran into this issue I had but one emotion. I decided to make a little picture to describe it...


31 people went the entire day yesterday not knowing what I ate for lunch. Tuna goddamnit, it was T.U.N.A

Thursday, 5 May 2011

What do Kesha, J-Lo, and Brit have in Common?

Apperantly this is what singers need to do to compete in todays musical marketplace...
Jump to 1:02
Jump to 0:53
Jump to 2:00

Kesha - 24 years old . (no I will not put a bloody dollar sign in her name)
Britney Spears - 30 years old 
Jennifer Lopez - 42 years old  

What we have here are three unique recording artists - each about a decade older than the last - who have essentially released the exact same song & video at the exact same time. Each song is backed by a slightly different style of electronic house beat with each actress dead-pan staring into the camera opening their mouth and trying to make the robotic sound coming out seem as natural as possible.

If it wasn't for the dump trucks filled with cash flowing into these people I'd actually feel bad for them. The amount of say they don't have in their music is off the charts. Ok, so it's not a surprise that Britney Spears doesn't write a lot of her songs; but this new song makes the "Oops I did it Again" lyrics look like Shakespeare. 

Now I can fully appreciate a good dance track. I do enjoy going out some nights and dancing to the very same songs I'm bashing. My biggest pet peeve is that almost all these songs fail the "boring-as-shit" test. Strip these songs down and you're left useless pieces of ridiculous lyrics and a monotone voice that even Stephen Hawking would snicker at (if he had the ability to snicker). Don't believe me? Go watch an acoustic version of E.T by Katy Perry. It's like she went into the washroom for her morning poop but instead of sitting on the toilet she just squatted over poetry as a concept and took a nice big shit on rhyming schemes and sentence structure.

Well, I wanted to put this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vMSyQAOZkLk&feature=related up. But apparently Blogger has a limit to how much garbage I can submit an audience to in one blog. So you'll have to copy-paste it yourself... sorry!

These videos actually make me miss watching boy bands like B4-4 sing entire songs about going down on people.


Sunday, 1 May 2011

Ding-Dong the Witch is Dead!

I am, of course, refering to the Arab Man-Witch Osama Bin Laden. I'm sure thousands of blogs are being written simultaneously saying much of the same thing... "yay." Even still, I find it necessary to add my 2 Paise (cents in Pakistan) to the issue.

As the dust settles there seems to be two distinct groups emerging. There are those shouting "Hurray for America! We won!" and the other side responding with, "mhmm, yeah, ok, we're still bankrupt..." Once again neither side is wrong or right, it's just a matter of oppinion. I'm not going to sleep any better knowing he's dead; but I did smirk a little when I heard he ate a few bullets. ACTUALLY, Obama just said the soldiers killed him, he didn't specify the method. I can only assume that they pummeled him to death with bibles wrapped in photocopies of the constutution.

Let's look at some quotes from Obama's speech...

"Shortly after taking office directed the head of the CIA to make capturing Osama bin Laden a top priority."
"Last August I was briefed on a possible lead to bin Laden."
"Finally last week I determined we had enough intelligence to take action."
 Today at my direction the United States operated a target operation"

With all the credit Obama is taking I'm suprised he didn't admit to ripping his shirt off and beating Bin Laden to death himself.

"...only then did I apply the rear naked choke while screaming 'de-mo-cra-cyyy!' into his ear. Dam those were some hairy ears."
America I'm happy for you. It's been a pretty rough ride and this is a nice morale boost. No doubt this isn't the last we've heard from those wascally-wabbit Al Qaeda; but atleast for now we can all high-five and reminisce about the decade long roller-coaster ride. 

Saturday, 30 April 2011

The Exam Blog - Part 薩斯克奇 / 薩斯克奇

It means Part Sasquatch of Sasquatch .. I was mostly just impressed with Google Translator (once again) for actually turning it into Chinese. The problem comes when I hit the "listen phonetically" button it pronounces it as "sassa-cootch." Aw well.


The great news is no more exams and no more exam blogs! Yes that's right, I'm donnnee. I walked outside after my last final, put on my headphones, and immediately started dancing in the style of my favorite youtube sensation.

                                                   This.. this is what I did.

Goodness what an exhausting day though. Packing and moving furniture has got to be one of my least favorite things in the entire world. I would rather watch paint dry in an unventilated room listening to Andy Williams perform Moon River than move another couch.
"Heh, I probably banged your Grandmother"

What's in store for me now? Well I Just got back home to Toronto and am looking for a job for a couple months. I  feel bad because I tell my would-be employers that I need work from May through September; but I'm totally leaving after 2 months. This also means I get to spend some time real on my writing (yay!) and not just writing in "train-of-thought" mode. I'm already enjoying my freedom by spending endless hours on StumbleUpon and other vampire-sites (get it, cause they suck up your time..ha ha.)


So this is it, the end of my exam chronicles. And Now for Something Completely Different...

Thursday, 28 April 2011

Pay it Forward

*This post has nothing to do with the Haley Joel Osment movie -If you're interested you can find my 6 page indepth review of Mr. Osment's life and career here.

What I would like everyone to pass on today is knowledge about a game. I warn you this game will do two things. 1) You'll lose a bit of faith in humanity.  and 2) It'll probably gross you out.

Oh and you can only play this game if you're a man... or a women who awkwardly uses the guys bathroom at bars using a device known as the SHENIS . Because of the exclusion criteria (penis vs no penis), if you're a woman reading this I urge you to pass it on to your male friends who will no doubt get a kick out of it. Or better yet, refer them to my blog, which you can find here

Without further ado, I give you... *drum roll*
                                               
                                                                      Urinal Poker

The rules are simple. Every goes out for a night on the town just like any other night. Make sure to bring a bunch of quarters though.

1) Scout out the washroom right when you get to the club and have everyone agree on 1 Urinal that will be deemed the "Shame Bucket."

2) Anytime one of you goes to use the washroom you must use that urinal and afterwards toss a quarter inside the bowl

3) Everyone bets on how much money builds up in the urinal before some drunken stranger scoops them all out.



Couple quick notes about the game
- I've rarely seen more than 3-4 quarters build up before it gets scooped.
- After playing this game once you'll never accept change from bartenders ever again.

With summer just around the corner I think everyone needed something new to keep the nightlife fresh, hope this helped, now go get sloppy!









Tuesday, 26 April 2011

The Exam Blog - Part 5

The title of this blog is stupid at best. I briefly thought it would be funny to have one of those scenarios where you release 4 chickens into a school and paint the numbers 1,2,3,5 on them. Then everyone keeps looking around for a fourth chicken that doesn't exist. ha ha ha. Anyways it took me all of 10 seconds to realize this was a terrible idea but I decided to leave it be and explain my train of thought. I also thought that in the time it took me to write this, my mind would come up with something interesting to talk about for this post...if you're curious, it did not. Imma go drink a Red Bull and I'll get back to you on this one. 


Being a pilot in one of those air races is the only profession where shitting your pants is accepable on the job. Although I'm pretty sure Senator Robert Byrd is incontinent.


"THAT. IS NOT. GOOD. POLITICS.  ..aw dang, I gone and pooped myself again."

I noticed a forum topic today regarding writer's block. I think because I'm still in the honeymoon phase of blogging I haven't had to experience this yet. It seems as far as blogs go content should be easy to come by. Off the top of my head here's a few examples that I can think of help shake off a writers block.

1) StumbleUpon - spend 15 minutes stumbling through sites and you're bound to find something worth commenting on

2) Reviews - movies, books, TV shows, food, music, you name it. Everybody has favorites, write about it!

3) Dear Diary - just pick a day from your week and write about it. If your life is boring, feel free to make something up, chances are no one will know the difference.

4) Steal Content - we're writing blogs here, not New York Time's articles. Unless you're that worried about your mom or best friend calling you out on source material.

5) Outsource - I sujest India, chances are the grammer will be slightly better than the Chinese alternative. This is particularly useful if your blog is centered around how to fix Windows 7 issues. 

6) Booze - I still need to test this out but I'm sure it'll work. Just drink untill you feel inspiration. When drunk, inspiration can sometimes feel like you have to pee. If you pee yourself while blogging please link it to me and I'll send you a free pair of pants. 

7) Give Up - If you're still scratching your head at this point you may as well throw in the towel. There's nothing shameful about this, the important thing is that you tried. I'm sure you have lots of other skills like eating T.V dinners and pretending like you're good at Jeopardy.

Monday, 25 April 2011

Tune for Two


This short piece of dark comedy is definitely my good find of the week (and by "find" I mean a friend posted it on my facebook wall.)

Out of all the videos and content I come across on a daily basis it's unusual for something to stick out in my mind like this. So, naturally I decided to share it!  I believe the video has its' best effect when the viewer doesn't know what to expect so I'll refrain from commenting on its content.  What I can say is that I watched it for the first time mildly confused and holding my breath the whole time. Similar to Quentin Tarantino's movie Inglorious Bastards, I found "Tune for Two" to be more enjoyable the second time around. Knowing the "spoilers" so to speak allowed me to appreciate the film as a whole and find it quite funny.  

No hard feelings if it's not your style. It's pretty out there.

Sunday, 24 April 2011

Greenpeace Whiners

From Urban Dictionary...
“Greenpeace - Was once an organization of well-rounded human beings asking the world's governments to take care of the environment. However, it was quickly overtaken by communazis, and thusly became an anti-government organization, obsessed with lying to people, making shit up, and scaring them shitless in order to sign some fucking petition banning dihydrogen monoxide, or water.”

Now normally when I read silly things like this I just chuckle to myself and then go back to volunteering, tutoring, making quilts for homeless people, etc. Today however, I have a bone to pick with Greenpeace. May I draw your attention to this article. For those of you suffering from an irrational fear of clinking links; allow me to sum it up
-    At 8:00am Friday morning a spokesperson for Greenpeace (who presumably got up on the worst side of the bed possible) decided to go bitch out the Internet for using up energy.  
-    That's about it.

I don’t think it’s even necessary to spend a long period of time explaining why this is ridiculous. Yelling at the internet is the equivalent to… well, yelling at the bloody internet. Like the universe – and the Greenpeace capacity for fail – the internet is always expanding. It’s just a fact of life by now. Companies who operate on said internet and simply using the tool the world has given them to promote, distribute, sell, globalize, connect, and do everything else that comes with the territory.

Do I need to point out that Greenpeace has a website? And how much good the internet has done for Greenpeace in spreading its message, reaching a mass audience, and bringing global issues to the forefront. It’s hard for me to take their message seriously when even Greenpeace has a Twitter account that they update dozens of times a day.

Help us build a new Warrior and become the owner of a piece of the ship! Click & share  http://act.gp/fhzdLD #anewwarrior

The “warrior” they are referring to is actually called The Rainbow Warrior. It’s the vessel that Greenpeace uses to do battle against injustice on the open seas.  They want donations because Pirates (or Poseidon) sunk the last one.

“ YARRGGG! We be high as fuck right now, put down that dolphin! *uncontrollable laughter* ”
My message to Greenpeace --> I'm sure you people mean well. Please stop making yourselves look stupid. Thank you.  

Saturday, 23 April 2011

$5.65 a Day

This post is about Subway Restaurants. If you don't feel like wasting your time reading about my love for foot long sandwiches I promise I won't be offended; just slam your fist on your keyboard and I'm sure it'll somehow direct you away from my diarrhea-words. *Note to future self - don't use words like "diarrhea" in food related posts*

It would be fantastic if Subway appreciated my business so much that they asked me to write a few words about them. The reality is I'm just writing about things I know best - some would say I'm "addicted" - If I was addicted to crack, I'd blog about crack.

Honestly, I can't really tell the difference anymore
Obviously I'm exaggerating just a little bit; but on the days when I do choose to indulge myself I do so shamelessly for a number of reasons...

1) Its a lot of Food!

2) Its NOT Mc Donald’s, Harvey’s, Wendy’s, Taco Bell, etc

3) Mr. Sub is terrible. Also, while toasted may in fact taste better - Quiznos subs are still shit. Seriously Quiznos, you don't fool us with your gigantic toaster over and fancy conveyer belt. That machine looks less like it's for toasting subs; and more like something a bond villain would use to creatively put an end to 007.



4) It's Cheap! - depending on what you get (see title.) Compare $5.65 to your Starbucks order and tell me who gets the better deal... TELL ME NOW!

Things I dislike about Subway...

The Leftovers:
It makes your clothes smell terrible. No perfume, cologne, or deodorant known to man can get rid of Subway-Smell. Even washing machines sit there going "don't you dare put that stanky shit in me.. I will bleed your colours together so dam fast."

The Commercials


That jingle scares away customers like Snooki's vagina scares away gynecologists.

It's embarrassing that someone asked this question. It's also embarrassing that someone answered him. Finally, It's embarrassing that I typed "5 dollar foot long lyrics" into Google and was 100% not surprised when I found them.

Friday, 22 April 2011

Earth (birth) Day

Ottawa is beautiful today. I'm talking sunny, nice breeze, birds chirping, and all gang related activity has been put on hold so everyone can skip & drink koolaid in peace. To represent this, here's 2 men of Hispanic origin taking a bubble bath together...
"We're doing it up Earth Day stylez by conserving water yo"
Today, April 22, also happens to be the day of my birth. Now I don't want to come right out and say that it's gorgeous outside because it's my b-day. I'm just saying I'm not surprised. Today is also Good Friday - but because of all the awesomeness happening today I'm officially renaming it Fantastic Friday. As far as my Jewish understanding of Catholicism goes; I'm pretty sure Good Friday is slightly better than Mediocre Wednesday...but not quite as good as pancake Tuesday.
Your bowels won't move for a week, guaranteed! - IHOP
Sadly I don't really celebrate Easter. But I do celebrate seasonal chocolate that comes out around the same time as these hollidays. As I briefly touched on here, this means Cadbury Mini Eggs / Cream Eggs. Christmas = Terry's Chocolate Oranges; and St. Patty's normally means as much candy as I can drunkenly shove in my face over the span of a day.

So for today, I wish everyone a happy Earth Day, a happy Good Friday (do you say "happy Good Friday?"), and happy birthday to myself -yay!

Wednesday, 20 April 2011

The Exam Blog - Part Tres

Normally when I need to remember how to count to "4" in Spanish I just think of the intro to that Offspring song "Pretty fly (for a white guy)." This time I decided to go to Google Translator to make sure I had the spelling right - a program I haven’t used since it helped me pass grade 9 French. When I clicked on the drop down menu to select a language I was so shocked I spilt Alphagetti on my keyboard.
"Nutritional Facts: N/A"
The google translator I remember had only 3 language options. English, Spanish, French. Makes sense right? Well now google gives you the option to translate into everything from Chinese (simplified or traditional) to Swahili,  even to Yiddish. Most importantly, this means that Google is right on the front lines trying to help break down the language barrier between dual income families and their nannies. For example - "mangyaring huwag magpropaganda ang aking mga anak." means "Please don't brainwash my children" in Filipino. I shouldn't be surprised though, we're talking about the same Google Inc. that goes toe to toe with fuckin' China

You may be asking yourself, "What does this all have to do with exams?" Well the answer is simple; these are the posts that are given life rrrrright as I'm about to actually do something productive with my time. I'll have a powerpoint open, a cracked Redbull right beside me, in my favorite  PJ pants, but I'll still think to myself "dam I should be blogging right now!"  

Till next time...

Tuesday, 19 April 2011

Vadrum vs Travis Barker

Like 99.51% of the world, I thoroughly enjoy music (the other 0.49% being the deaf population.) I dabble here and there in guitar, drums, and as I’ve mentioned before some vocals. I decided to showcase 2 drummers today each with a video that sits on opposite ends of the drumming spectrum. I’ll leave a few comments here and there but I’ll try and let the videos speak mostly for themselves.


I could probably write a full essay on Travis Barker detailing the good (Blink 182) and the bad (everything else) of his career. I used his “Soulja Boy” remix mostly because of how much positive response it got despite the sloppiness, poor quality, annoyingness, terrible source material, and the fact that Travis finds it necessary to hit a symbol over and over with both sticks.

Tattoos > Muscle Mass
Andrea Vadrucci (Vadrum) on the other hand is the Italian YouTube sensation with a heart of gold. A very talented drummer who has done popular remixes of everything from the Super Mario Brothers theme to various classical pieces.  Even more than his playing, I really enjoy watching how much fun he has performing songs. It is nice to see someone pay close attention to the dynamics of a song before sitting down to do a cover of it.  With a women’s name, and the adorable smile of an autistic child, Vadrum is simply a pleasure to watch.
"DWUMMING, YAY!"

Monday, 18 April 2011

The Exam Blog - Part Deux

Full disclosure: I didn’t really plan on continuing the chronicles of my exams; but seeing as I already titled my first one I may as well keep rolling with it.

On a routine study break I decided to throw on the movie Hot Shots, (the sequel “part deux” inspired my title.) It really is slap stick at its best and stars everyone’s favorite head case Charlie Sheen.  A quick side note – can everyone please stop praising Mr. Sheen for making comments normally reserved for mental health patients. If a homeless person on the bus started ranting about tiger’s blood and cocaine, you’d stun-gun the shit out of them.

“NOTICE ME AGAIN DAMMIT”
            
Where was I? Oh right, exams. I just got back from my first exciting essay adventure. This means two things. 1) I’m about to go to a bar. And 2) My carpal tunnel apocalypse date (CTAD) is edging ever closer. The CTAD is a day I just made up that represents the exact moment when all my writing, typing, and video game gaming finally takes its toll on my wrists.  My guess is I’ll be doing a routine task – like carrying groceries into the house – when all of a sudden a loud shotgun blast will erupt from my wrists. A mix of terror, acceptance, and pain will sweep over my body as I fall to the group finally admiting defeat. By this point my blog following will most likely be in the tens of thousands so I’ll have to crawl to a computer and mash out “IHT HAOPPEMNED!@” with my feet. Realistically there will probably be a bionic solution to this problem and I’ll be back on my feet (hands?) in a couple of days.

What lesson did we learn today? ... Sometimes I can be overly dramatic.

Sunday, 17 April 2011

The Exam Blog - Part 1

I knew I was going to spill one of these out eventually; it’s unavoidable at a time like this. As much as I try and convince myself otherwise – I. AM. A. STUDENT! University life forces students to make school priority #1. Think of it this way… need to miss a shift at work? Just call in 24 hours in advance and tell them you’re sick. Need to bail on a date? You’ll deal with a little backlash but just make up a good excuse.  Want to get a final exam date changed?  YOUR MOM BETTER BE DEAD, (sorry for the bluntness, just making a point.) It’s true though, most Universities won’t defer a final unless there was a death in the immediate family, or you just had your face ripped off by a rouge primate.

(They require signatures from the Doctor, 2 witnesses, and the monkey)

How do I get through exams? Unholy amounts of sugar. For some reason I work much better when I’m wired off-the-wall. Here’s a list of things I put in my mouth to achieve this.
-          Cadbury mini eggs
-          Jalapeno Ms. Vickie’s potato chips
-          JuJubes  (original – not those disgusting sour ones)
-          Smart Food Popcorn
-          Tim Horton’s french vanilla “coffee”
-          Mc Donald’s Smarties McFlurry
-          Dr. Pepper

I work so well under the influence of sugar if you put me in a study room with ALL the above mentioned foods I’d probably pull a PhD out of my ass.

If I was a philosophy major, I’d immediately go to the washroom and put it back where it came from.

Sadly I have to cut this short because, well, I need to go study. Exam tomorrow! Woo-fuckin’-hoo!  To be continued…

Saturday, 16 April 2011

Dual Survival !

In the wake of Survivor Man, Man vs Wild, Mantracker, and Man-Loves-Animal, comes a breath of fresh air. Enter Dual Survival, the touching survival scenarios of Dave Canterbury and his life partner Cody Lundin.

What really sets this show apart is that instead of just dealing with issues like not dying; the pair also deals with tough relationship problems. They remind us that in high stress situations one must take the appropriate steps to make sure that the relationship survives even after spending an isolated week drinking each other’s piss. Common themes seen in Dual Survival include balance of power, risk communication, and interior design.

“The feng shui in my moss hut is too fab. Also, vaginas are icky”

These guys give new meaning to the gay subculture of  "bears"


Next Week on Dual Survival:  Using the intestines of local fauna to make condoms
(Safety first when you’re deep in uncharted territories – har har)

What I really want to see is an all female survival show. Topics can include…
-          Concentrating sunlight onto sheets of scrap metal to create a hair straightener
-          Using ovulation to your advantage: luring and trapping animals
-          Being a bitch in the wilderness: Animals don’t care what you think.
-          Tampons from Tundra

Friday, 15 April 2011

Why Mohombi is Clearly a Virgin


This song is simultaneously a mating call and a poorly worded warning label. I applaud Mohombi for trying really, really hard to convince us that he has any idea how to even talk to a women. He has the soft voice of a choir boy - which makes lines like, "I'm on top of my love game, and you're gonna get it tonight" sound ridiculous (and slightly bipolar.)
"I made us a scrumptious dinner to eat by candle light... now get ready for MY DIIICCKKKK"
       The people in this music video go swimming,  play dominos, hell there's even a Sean Paul inspired boy band dance. Most of the boy-girl interaction goes no further then gentle cuddling. It's ok Mohombi, we know you have to put up a front for all your homies; but to us you can be yourself!

Mohombi Lyric Translator

"Im focused, Im ready, Im going to give it to you tonight"  =
 I took a Viagra 5 minutes ago, I swear I'll stay hard this time.

"It's gonna be a bumpy ride" =
I'm going to fumble around with your lady-parts while sweating profusely. You are probably not going to enjoy this.

"Were gonna rough it up before we take it slow" =
I know the steps involved in this process, just not the correct order.

"Girl lemme rock you rock you like a rodeo" =
??????

This. This is what I'm going to do to you
I'm going to go out on a limb and call Mohombi the Ricky Martin of the 2010's .. lets check back in 5 years shal we?

Full link to the lyrics (sing along purposes) can be found here

Thursday, 14 April 2011

Fuck You @AbuDubai

See what I did there? Right in the title? It's called exercising my freedom of speech you backwards ass city. I'm sorry, I have all the tolerance in the entire word but when you pull shit like this , I have no choice but to call you out on it.

**For those too lazy to click on the link - the spark notes version of the story is this. A British tourist in Dubai was arrested for swearing and was then routinely beaten while being held in the police station. He died.**

In all seriousness though, I just want to know what went through the minds of the police who did this. Was it a group decision? Was it planned? Was it a hate crime?


Just making sure these are still humans we're talking about right? Like these policemen still go home to families and have children that I can only assume they care about. It just seems so radically different, I'd really like to understand - maybe have a legitimate conversation with them (although I'm sure I'd leave much more frustrated afterwards.)

There's really nothing more to say on the issue. It happened. Once again the world gets another look at what people in this part of the world are capable of. This isn’t to say other places aren’t capable of the same (or worse!) it's just that stories like this are far too common. At the end of the day I can only shake my head and once again appreciate good ol' boring Canada.

Sure looks pretty though eh?

Wednesday, 13 April 2011

Singing Confessional

          For anyone who has spent more than a few minutes with me knows that I enjoy indulging myself vocally. What most people don’t know is how tame this version of my voice is. For sake of not embarrassing myself to the point where I have shamed my family’s name, I tend to keep my singing within reason.


(To bad Rebecca Black doesn't share the same philosophy)
           BUT! The second I’m in a car, alone, on the highway (like for 5 hours on the 401) all bets are off. What changes most is my song selection. Instead of sticking to some nice John Mayer, I tend to start belting out songs from Disturbed or System of a Down. In these moments I hit pitches that my ear drums don’t even know what do with. I miss notes like Shaq misses at the free throw line. I create noises so infuriating that babies stop crying just long enough to tell me to shut-the-fuck-up.

           The pinnacle of my car-singing occurs whenever a Michael Jackson song comes on… I just can’t help myself.  Best case scenario is my “MJ” voice sounds like Mika but with severe laryngitis. At its worst, my MJ impersonation sounds a lot like a post-stroke Bruno Mars suffering from facial paralysis but trying to perform anyways.


“Id catshhh a grelllaedeee foh yu”
I think what I’m really trying to say here is: Please, please, don’t set up a voice recorder in my car. Just don’t.

Tuesday, 12 April 2011

Spring Cleaning with Snow White


         Every single one of those adorable little animals is going to have asthmatic lung problems after cleaning up that bitch’s house.  Seriously, look how much dust – dirt – and cobwebs are piled up in that place.

Not to mention Snow White doesn’t even do anything, she just sings while all her unpaid labor force animals do all the work for her. Singing is only 1 notch above beating a drum to set the pace for work.

The only explanation… Snow White is actually a large Brown Bear. Let’s look at the facts…
-          She’s clearly been hibernating all winter
-          The tone of her voice is only achievable by those who are next-level-constipated
-          AND it explains how she can talk to animals.
-          The “dwarfs” are just her Bear Cubs.

**Please don’t apply my logic to the rest of that movie**

Oh and at 2:54 – that Turtle is enjoying things a little too much, just sayin’.

-On theScotch

Ignatieff, Canada's Obama

                                                          Reasons to Vote for Him!

He was a war journalist and freelance writer

Ignatieff’s been a beatnik, a hippie, and we can only assume he’s now a hipster shoved inside a 63 year olds body..


"I'm also down with that Haitian Voodoo shit"
                                                  


Like Obama, he has a favorite hockey team… and he tweets about it!

What a beautiful morning in the Eastern Townships, and what a beautiful goal by P.K. Subban. Spring is coming to Montreal!”
            -Micheal (The Bonesaw) Ignatieff

He’s Smart!  

Obama – Harvard Law Graduate
Iggy – University of Oxford / Ph. D from Harvard
Harper  – Economics major at the University of Calgary… aka U of Fail1

                                 Reasons to NOT Vote for Him!

 HE’S NOT SEXY

 Exhibit A: Obama is the Sex
Exhibit B: Iggy's face looks like someone took a rolling pin to a lump of dough

Not to mention Michelle Obama is a fox. Iggy’s wife - zsuzsanna zsohar - looks like she lives part-time in a candy house ensnaring children.


1  I’m basing this on absolutely nothing



Monday, 11 April 2011

Down with Sluts! ... or wait? Go Sluts Go?

NOTE:  I do solemnly swear to not make blogs this long again. I started writing and got carried away. Bear with me.

**To better understand this blog, .check out http://www.slutwalktoronto.com/**

          So the SlutWalk has hit Ottawa and I’ve been seeing lots of promo around campus. I try to understand the emotion driving this large movement (with my small Neanderthal man-brain) but there are a few things that just aren't sitting right with me.


Pictured Above: Sluts

                First, everyone keeps operating under the assumption that words like slut and slut-shaming are terms used by men to oppress the sexuality of women. FALSE! Slut & slut-shaming may even be used MORE by women to judge other women. Seriously ladies, what new term are you going to use in its place? What foul word will you now use to describe the girl who blows your drunk (soon-to-be-ex) boyfriend in the washroom of a club. Do you want to know why we have the word “slut”? It is because societies DO have limits and some people DO push them too far are it’s nice to have a word to be able to use. There will always be a bell-curve, topics of openness and sexuality are no different. Yes, I understand the need for challenging common practices so society can move forward and evolve, but I strongly believe this is not an appropriate step. If you’re curious to the word used to describe the opposite end of the sexuality spectrum – its “Prude.” Why is there no uproar to get rid of the word “Prude”? It’s because clearly you can’t be raped if you’re a prude…

                OH WAIT! Yes you can! Has anyone organizing the SlutWalk actually decided to look at rape statistics? Most are committed by someone the victim already knows. The only thing you will be able to do to prevent it is to wear a chastity belt.

                                                  yeah, I mean a legit fucking chastity belt
               
Here’s a quote from the website:
“Being in charge of our sexual lives should not mean that we are opening ourselves to an expectation of violence, regardless if we participate in sex for pleasure or work. No one should equate enjoying sex with attracting sexual assault.”

                I have just two things to say to that. 1) Risk Factors, and 2) Know your audience.  Like come on SlutWalk, I’m not even allowed to call Prostitutes sluts? If you want their job to be safer, go try and legalize it. There is enough evidence out there showing that if you participate in an illegal job in the middle of the night that involves boning people (especially the type of people who seek these services) for money in the sketchiest way possible, you might just be increasing your chances of STI’s & sexual assault. As for the audience … please ladies when you’re out, just know who is observing your provacativness, what level of intoxication the men around you are in, and most importantly– What level of intoxication YOU are in.

              I’m all for empowering women, and I’m sooo totally anti-sexual assault / rape, but I also see a lot of logic gaps in the SlutWalk… it’s like a grenade of emotion went off and this was the result.

SIDE NOTE --> I wonder if the Kim Kardashian Sketchers shoes are sponsoring the event?



-OnTheScotch-