Sunday, 6 November 2011

Back in Business

Soooo I decided to put up a new blog. I’m not going to come right out and announce that I’m “back in a blog phase” because once again it might not stick. I think I came on too strong last time. Trying to put out, like, 1 a day?! Who was I kidding; that kind of blog stamina shall be left to the porn stars of the blog world.

When I decided to start writing again the first thing I thought was, “wow I’m lonely.” This isn’t to say that people who blog are lonely; I was simply noting the coincidence that I am now living alone and also had an urge to start writing again. So it’s either the crippling loneliness, or my new found appreciation for peyote – I’ll let you guys decide.

I would like to first point out a few highlights to living alone
-          I can poop with the door open (not saying I do, just saying I could)
-          I perform most tasks sans pants
-          No one steals my food
-          The length of my shower is limited only by the hot water left in my building

The complaint I have about my apartment is less about living alone and more about the loud smashing noise that happens 2-3 times a day above my head. Each time it’s just a single horrible bang that sounds like a vat of homemade meth exploding.   I do happen to know that there is an exceptionally large Japanese woman (the rarest of the birds) who lives in unit 3 above me. My best guess is that the bang is the sound of her falling to her knees for meal times.

 Ugh... I wasn’t planning on ending my blog with chubby racism. Sometimes these things just happen.  Till next time.

Friday, 6 May 2011

Twitter Overload

Ok so I'm not like crazZzZy about Twitter... but I do enjoy passing some time on it, now and then. So when I went to log on yesterday and ran into this issue I had but one emotion. I decided to make a little picture to describe it...

31 people went the entire day yesterday not knowing what I ate for lunch. Tuna goddamnit, it was T.U.N.A

Thursday, 5 May 2011

What do Kesha, J-Lo, and Brit have in Common?

Apperantly this is what singers need to do to compete in todays musical marketplace...
Jump to 1:02
Jump to 0:53
Jump to 2:00

Kesha - 24 years old . (no I will not put a bloody dollar sign in her name)
Britney Spears - 30 years old 
Jennifer Lopez - 42 years old  

What we have here are three unique recording artists - each about a decade older than the last - who have essentially released the exact same song & video at the exact same time. Each song is backed by a slightly different style of electronic house beat with each actress dead-pan staring into the camera opening their mouth and trying to make the robotic sound coming out seem as natural as possible.

If it wasn't for the dump trucks filled with cash flowing into these people I'd actually feel bad for them. The amount of say they don't have in their music is off the charts. Ok, so it's not a surprise that Britney Spears doesn't write a lot of her songs; but this new song makes the "Oops I did it Again" lyrics look like Shakespeare. 

Now I can fully appreciate a good dance track. I do enjoy going out some nights and dancing to the very same songs I'm bashing. My biggest pet peeve is that almost all these songs fail the "boring-as-shit" test. Strip these songs down and you're left useless pieces of ridiculous lyrics and a monotone voice that even Stephen Hawking would snicker at (if he had the ability to snicker). Don't believe me? Go watch an acoustic version of E.T by Katy Perry. It's like she went into the washroom for her morning poop but instead of sitting on the toilet she just squatted over poetry as a concept and took a nice big shit on rhyming schemes and sentence structure.

Well, I wanted to put this up. But apparently Blogger has a limit to how much garbage I can submit an audience to in one blog. So you'll have to copy-paste it yourself... sorry!

These videos actually make me miss watching boy bands like B4-4 sing entire songs about going down on people.

Sunday, 1 May 2011

Ding-Dong the Witch is Dead!

I am, of course, refering to the Arab Man-Witch Osama Bin Laden. I'm sure thousands of blogs are being written simultaneously saying much of the same thing... "yay." Even still, I find it necessary to add my 2 Paise (cents in Pakistan) to the issue.

As the dust settles there seems to be two distinct groups emerging. There are those shouting "Hurray for America! We won!" and the other side responding with, "mhmm, yeah, ok, we're still bankrupt..." Once again neither side is wrong or right, it's just a matter of oppinion. I'm not going to sleep any better knowing he's dead; but I did smirk a little when I heard he ate a few bullets. ACTUALLY, Obama just said the soldiers killed him, he didn't specify the method. I can only assume that they pummeled him to death with bibles wrapped in photocopies of the constutution.

Let's look at some quotes from Obama's speech...

"Shortly after taking office directed the head of the CIA to make capturing Osama bin Laden a top priority."
"Last August I was briefed on a possible lead to bin Laden."
"Finally last week I determined we had enough intelligence to take action."
 Today at my direction the United States operated a target operation"

With all the credit Obama is taking I'm suprised he didn't admit to ripping his shirt off and beating Bin Laden to death himself.

"...only then did I apply the rear naked choke while screaming 'de-mo-cra-cyyy!' into his ear. Dam those were some hairy ears."
America I'm happy for you. It's been a pretty rough ride and this is a nice morale boost. No doubt this isn't the last we've heard from those wascally-wabbit Al Qaeda; but atleast for now we can all high-five and reminisce about the decade long roller-coaster ride.